One day

One day she will smile and mean it, without holding back the tears. One day she will be successful. One day she'll have no one to prove wrong. One day she'll be the smartest girl in her family. One day she'll know how to help others cause she would have already helped herself. One day she'll be a doctor. One day  she'll help a girl tha was just like her.

Dear Josh

Dear Josh,
It's been almost two years since you have left us and I think about you every day. I wonder why you had to leave us at such a young age. We all miss you here. What's it like up there? Is it everything they say it is? I find myself missing your laugh and being goofy all the time. I had a dream about you the other day. You told me it was all okay. What does that mean?

Remember when we were kids and we used to hang out every sunday after church? Or the time we went on a picnic to settlers and then stopped at dairy queen? These things are still in my head all the time. I wonder if you are healthy and happy up there? Did all the pain of this earth leave you when you left here? Will you visit my gram and pap for me and tell them I love them?

I hope you see how much we love you and miss you down here still.

Love ya kid!
Kati

Any one seen the help yet?

So a friend and I went to see the help the other day. There was a line that is stuck in my head....

"You is kind. You is smart. You is important."

How nice would it be to be able to say this to someone (except in a grammatically correct way of course!)? How much better would it make people feel about themselves? Could we change the way little girls and boys feel about themselves? What if we told ourselves this every morning when we wake up and every night when we lay down, would we feel better about ourselves?

Here's a toast to all of us who are kind, smart and important.

Thinkin again

I stopped and thought today about where I am in life. All I wanted to be in life was to be a wife and a mommy. But tonight as we sat down for dinner we talked about my friends and how they are doing. It's weird to think about how most of my friends are married, have kids, or are engaged, or a combo of the three things. As much as I would like to have someone to sleep next to at night, or someone to hold me when I cry, I know where I am is where I am meant to be. I mean how many of those friends that are married, have kids or are engaged have their degree in something. How many of them are able to better themselves, and say that they have a meaningful career that they could work to support themselves if need be? I may not have everything I wanted in life, but I believe I will one day. In the same way, I wouldn't change anything about where I am now for that lifestyle.

Dont get me wrong, I am not saying I don't want to date or get to be a wife eventually, but I think I am finally breaking out of the Geneva mentality that has been put into my brain about having to get married now.

Anywho. I start training for my new job tomorrow and I am so excited. I feel like even if im not getting paid much more right now I feel like it's a step up. I want to be in a place where I am half way respected, and can actually be in a good mood when I leave. I am  also excited to start waitressing again soon. It's my way of working with people and earning a few extra bucks. Sounds dumb, but I enjoy it!

So a toast! To my eyes opening and my brain becoming wiser.

A year

I know we have all heard the rent song about how to measure a year, but really, think about it. How much of a year do we waste? If I could go back to one year ago there is so much I would change. I would have taken that trip, enjoyed school more, enjoyed the little moments more. I miss my friends and I miss living with my best friend and laughing all the time. I miss who I was, and the lack of stress I had. I miss working at fun jobs. I miss who I was always with. I miss being respected and feeling good.

I have learned a lot this year. I've learned to smile through the tears, and laugh through the hurt. I've learned  that I am better and smarter than I thought. I learned that I don't deserve to get treated like dirt and walked on.  I learned that I give too much to others and not enough to me.

But through all the smiles and the tears this year and all that I have been through I would do it all again. This is the first year that I have ever said that with. I didn't have the best year, or the typical 21st birthday, and I went through some rough times, but if I could take what I've learned this year back a whole year, I'd be happy.

Here's a toast to the first year I have ever wanted to do again.

Secrets

Ever been on the site post secrets? Ever wish you could send in a bazillion at once? I do today. The only problem is I don't know what to write. Do I write about the great stuff in my life or the things I am worried about? It seems like lately I have been on such a high, I finally found what I have been looking for, then I have days like today where all I want to do is go to bed so that they day will end. However, I am so anxious I will not sleep until I clean. Any who.

So I miss being who I was in high school. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I want to go back to high school at all. I am saying I miss the sports I did, and I miss running. I miss my art classes and finding ways to just empty my mind. But most of all I miss running. Running was my thing, it was my identity. I miss the way I looked when I ran and how I felt. So I guess it comes between my knees hurting and my mind feeling good. Which do you choose?

So here's the toast for today:
Even though today has been a bitch I am thankful that I woke up this morning.

I wonder...

So as I sit here on my vacation in North Carolina wondering why the hell am I here, I have been thinking about my life. I have always been the girl who wanted to be a wife and a mommy. I never wanted to go to school. But here I am. I finished my undergrad degree, am working on my masters, and want to go for my doctorates and I wonder...has this all gotten in the way of what I've wanted in life? I have had three serious relationships and I have learned my lessons from all of them and I wouldn't have changed any of them, but it gets me to thinking, what do I need to do so I am not in another long relationship without the income I want. But on the other hand my dreams have changed too. Don't get me wrong, I'd still love to get married and have babies, but I feel like God is calling me for much bigger things in life. I want to get my doctorates in psychology and work to help kids, after all one day we are going to be in their hands, whether we like to think about it or not. I feel like their is something in this world calling me, a way to make a difference, but I am still not sure what it is.

Today we rode past a homeless mission in Durham. Someone had bought an old motel and had turned it into a place that those who need it could come to. I see so much effort down here for the people to help their own. It is sad to me that in today's world it was strange to me, to see children going freely in and out of the church, as most churches down here are open every day, not just Sunday's or for special reasons. There are so many food banks you lose count. And I wonder, what is the secret down here that they are keeping from those of us up north? How can we get this love for one another up home? I also see people down here trying to help themselves. Some sell watermelons on the side of the road to make a few dollars, while some set up tables with barbecue in parking lots. Where does this motivation come from and how can I get some?

So as I started writing this entry I felt pitty for myself for not getting the dream I have always wanted by now, and I feel almost stupid. I am 21 and I can make a world of difference, as long as I keep asking God for the guidance. So their may not be a man sending me flowers, and some days that might really suck, but their are people who are struggling to make ends meet and I need to find a way to help those who don't have nearly as many opportunities as me.

I remember vividly the days I went with grandma and pap-pap to the "kitchen" to help with meals-on-wheels. I never realized until recently how amazing my grandparents were back then. I remember questioning my grandma because often times people could not pay for their meals and wanted to end their services, but still they received a meal at their door every day, "because every one deserves to eat." I remember older people trying to tip me for bringing a meal to their house and not understanding why I was not allowed to keep the dollar or two. These lessons were so much greater than I realized back then. Now I get it and am so thankful that I was taught to be humble in those early days of my life. So now as an adult, I get questioned a lot about why I picked the field I am in. Sure I work weird and long tough hours for little pay, but it's worth it. I could have kept going to school for teaching and be making a lot more than I am now, but I don't think it would have been as rewarding.

So for now, as my eyes fight to stay open...here's the cheers.

Cheers to god's plan over mine, even if it does mean that my life is kinda lame right now.