I wonder...

So as I sit here on my vacation in North Carolina wondering why the hell am I here, I have been thinking about my life. I have always been the girl who wanted to be a wife and a mommy. I never wanted to go to school. But here I am. I finished my undergrad degree, am working on my masters, and want to go for my doctorates and I wonder...has this all gotten in the way of what I've wanted in life? I have had three serious relationships and I have learned my lessons from all of them and I wouldn't have changed any of them, but it gets me to thinking, what do I need to do so I am not in another long relationship without the income I want. But on the other hand my dreams have changed too. Don't get me wrong, I'd still love to get married and have babies, but I feel like God is calling me for much bigger things in life. I want to get my doctorates in psychology and work to help kids, after all one day we are going to be in their hands, whether we like to think about it or not. I feel like their is something in this world calling me, a way to make a difference, but I am still not sure what it is.

Today we rode past a homeless mission in Durham. Someone had bought an old motel and had turned it into a place that those who need it could come to. I see so much effort down here for the people to help their own. It is sad to me that in today's world it was strange to me, to see children going freely in and out of the church, as most churches down here are open every day, not just Sunday's or for special reasons. There are so many food banks you lose count. And I wonder, what is the secret down here that they are keeping from those of us up north? How can we get this love for one another up home? I also see people down here trying to help themselves. Some sell watermelons on the side of the road to make a few dollars, while some set up tables with barbecue in parking lots. Where does this motivation come from and how can I get some?

So as I started writing this entry I felt pitty for myself for not getting the dream I have always wanted by now, and I feel almost stupid. I am 21 and I can make a world of difference, as long as I keep asking God for the guidance. So their may not be a man sending me flowers, and some days that might really suck, but their are people who are struggling to make ends meet and I need to find a way to help those who don't have nearly as many opportunities as me.

I remember vividly the days I went with grandma and pap-pap to the "kitchen" to help with meals-on-wheels. I never realized until recently how amazing my grandparents were back then. I remember questioning my grandma because often times people could not pay for their meals and wanted to end their services, but still they received a meal at their door every day, "because every one deserves to eat." I remember older people trying to tip me for bringing a meal to their house and not understanding why I was not allowed to keep the dollar or two. These lessons were so much greater than I realized back then. Now I get it and am so thankful that I was taught to be humble in those early days of my life. So now as an adult, I get questioned a lot about why I picked the field I am in. Sure I work weird and long tough hours for little pay, but it's worth it. I could have kept going to school for teaching and be making a lot more than I am now, but I don't think it would have been as rewarding.

So for now, as my eyes fight to stay open...here's the cheers.

Cheers to god's plan over mine, even if it does mean that my life is kinda lame right now.