One day

One day she will smile and mean it, without holding back the tears. One day she will be successful. One day she'll have no one to prove wrong. One day she'll be the smartest girl in her family. One day she'll know how to help others cause she would have already helped herself. One day she'll be a doctor. One day  she'll help a girl tha was just like her.

Dear Josh

Dear Josh,
It's been almost two years since you have left us and I think about you every day. I wonder why you had to leave us at such a young age. We all miss you here. What's it like up there? Is it everything they say it is? I find myself missing your laugh and being goofy all the time. I had a dream about you the other day. You told me it was all okay. What does that mean?

Remember when we were kids and we used to hang out every sunday after church? Or the time we went on a picnic to settlers and then stopped at dairy queen? These things are still in my head all the time. I wonder if you are healthy and happy up there? Did all the pain of this earth leave you when you left here? Will you visit my gram and pap for me and tell them I love them?

I hope you see how much we love you and miss you down here still.

Love ya kid!
Kati

Any one seen the help yet?

So a friend and I went to see the help the other day. There was a line that is stuck in my head....

"You is kind. You is smart. You is important."

How nice would it be to be able to say this to someone (except in a grammatically correct way of course!)? How much better would it make people feel about themselves? Could we change the way little girls and boys feel about themselves? What if we told ourselves this every morning when we wake up and every night when we lay down, would we feel better about ourselves?

Here's a toast to all of us who are kind, smart and important.

Thinkin again

I stopped and thought today about where I am in life. All I wanted to be in life was to be a wife and a mommy. But tonight as we sat down for dinner we talked about my friends and how they are doing. It's weird to think about how most of my friends are married, have kids, or are engaged, or a combo of the three things. As much as I would like to have someone to sleep next to at night, or someone to hold me when I cry, I know where I am is where I am meant to be. I mean how many of those friends that are married, have kids or are engaged have their degree in something. How many of them are able to better themselves, and say that they have a meaningful career that they could work to support themselves if need be? I may not have everything I wanted in life, but I believe I will one day. In the same way, I wouldn't change anything about where I am now for that lifestyle.

Dont get me wrong, I am not saying I don't want to date or get to be a wife eventually, but I think I am finally breaking out of the Geneva mentality that has been put into my brain about having to get married now.

Anywho. I start training for my new job tomorrow and I am so excited. I feel like even if im not getting paid much more right now I feel like it's a step up. I want to be in a place where I am half way respected, and can actually be in a good mood when I leave. I am  also excited to start waitressing again soon. It's my way of working with people and earning a few extra bucks. Sounds dumb, but I enjoy it!

So a toast! To my eyes opening and my brain becoming wiser.

A year

I know we have all heard the rent song about how to measure a year, but really, think about it. How much of a year do we waste? If I could go back to one year ago there is so much I would change. I would have taken that trip, enjoyed school more, enjoyed the little moments more. I miss my friends and I miss living with my best friend and laughing all the time. I miss who I was, and the lack of stress I had. I miss working at fun jobs. I miss who I was always with. I miss being respected and feeling good.

I have learned a lot this year. I've learned to smile through the tears, and laugh through the hurt. I've learned  that I am better and smarter than I thought. I learned that I don't deserve to get treated like dirt and walked on.  I learned that I give too much to others and not enough to me.

But through all the smiles and the tears this year and all that I have been through I would do it all again. This is the first year that I have ever said that with. I didn't have the best year, or the typical 21st birthday, and I went through some rough times, but if I could take what I've learned this year back a whole year, I'd be happy.

Here's a toast to the first year I have ever wanted to do again.

Secrets

Ever been on the site post secrets? Ever wish you could send in a bazillion at once? I do today. The only problem is I don't know what to write. Do I write about the great stuff in my life or the things I am worried about? It seems like lately I have been on such a high, I finally found what I have been looking for, then I have days like today where all I want to do is go to bed so that they day will end. However, I am so anxious I will not sleep until I clean. Any who.

So I miss being who I was in high school. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I want to go back to high school at all. I am saying I miss the sports I did, and I miss running. I miss my art classes and finding ways to just empty my mind. But most of all I miss running. Running was my thing, it was my identity. I miss the way I looked when I ran and how I felt. So I guess it comes between my knees hurting and my mind feeling good. Which do you choose?

So here's the toast for today:
Even though today has been a bitch I am thankful that I woke up this morning.

I wonder...

So as I sit here on my vacation in North Carolina wondering why the hell am I here, I have been thinking about my life. I have always been the girl who wanted to be a wife and a mommy. I never wanted to go to school. But here I am. I finished my undergrad degree, am working on my masters, and want to go for my doctorates and I wonder...has this all gotten in the way of what I've wanted in life? I have had three serious relationships and I have learned my lessons from all of them and I wouldn't have changed any of them, but it gets me to thinking, what do I need to do so I am not in another long relationship without the income I want. But on the other hand my dreams have changed too. Don't get me wrong, I'd still love to get married and have babies, but I feel like God is calling me for much bigger things in life. I want to get my doctorates in psychology and work to help kids, after all one day we are going to be in their hands, whether we like to think about it or not. I feel like their is something in this world calling me, a way to make a difference, but I am still not sure what it is.

Today we rode past a homeless mission in Durham. Someone had bought an old motel and had turned it into a place that those who need it could come to. I see so much effort down here for the people to help their own. It is sad to me that in today's world it was strange to me, to see children going freely in and out of the church, as most churches down here are open every day, not just Sunday's or for special reasons. There are so many food banks you lose count. And I wonder, what is the secret down here that they are keeping from those of us up north? How can we get this love for one another up home? I also see people down here trying to help themselves. Some sell watermelons on the side of the road to make a few dollars, while some set up tables with barbecue in parking lots. Where does this motivation come from and how can I get some?

So as I started writing this entry I felt pitty for myself for not getting the dream I have always wanted by now, and I feel almost stupid. I am 21 and I can make a world of difference, as long as I keep asking God for the guidance. So their may not be a man sending me flowers, and some days that might really suck, but their are people who are struggling to make ends meet and I need to find a way to help those who don't have nearly as many opportunities as me.

I remember vividly the days I went with grandma and pap-pap to the "kitchen" to help with meals-on-wheels. I never realized until recently how amazing my grandparents were back then. I remember questioning my grandma because often times people could not pay for their meals and wanted to end their services, but still they received a meal at their door every day, "because every one deserves to eat." I remember older people trying to tip me for bringing a meal to their house and not understanding why I was not allowed to keep the dollar or two. These lessons were so much greater than I realized back then. Now I get it and am so thankful that I was taught to be humble in those early days of my life. So now as an adult, I get questioned a lot about why I picked the field I am in. Sure I work weird and long tough hours for little pay, but it's worth it. I could have kept going to school for teaching and be making a lot more than I am now, but I don't think it would have been as rewarding.

So for now, as my eyes fight to stay open...here's the cheers.

Cheers to god's plan over mine, even if it does mean that my life is kinda lame right now.

so ya

So I'm laying here in bed. Wide awake but so physically exhausted. I can't help to think after the passion play tonight and the way I've been feeling lately. I feel like I am falling apart, away from god. It's like I am in quick sand, and I can see the light above my head and cant do anything about it. I can struggle to get out but it only makes me feel like I am falling faster some days. There is no doubt that I need to start going back to church, but I feel like I need something different.  I would like something contemporary, but don't even know where to begin looking. I don't know anyone who goes to a contemporary church, or where to find one. All I know is I need to start trying again. Cause nothing seems to fit any more.

And somehow through all of the craziness that kid devon from geneva keeps coming in to my mind. I am so curious as to where he is. I feel bad for his family. No one knows if he is dead or alive. I could not imagine a family member of mine being missing for over three months. When will it end? Has everyone given up on him? Is his once empty seat in classes now going unnoticed, or has it been given to the new kid in town? How do we move on and not care?

wow..I am slacking

I am really slacking when it comes to blogging. I am still working my new job as well as waitressing and doing grad school. I am busier than ever but I really enjoy it for the most part. Well I don't really have much to talk about. So bye

Long time, no see!

So, it has been a long time since I have blogged, and I have done a lot of thinking.

First, one of my track coaches died in the middle of his class the other day. He was such a great and caring guy and one of the best coaches I have ever had. It got me thinking about the irony of the way things work. I find myself questioning God more and more these days. I know our true home is with the Lord, but why is it that those who rape, murder, steal, etc. live long lives, while such a gentle and kind man was taken at a very young age and his students traumatized and his young children left without a father.  I know there is a plan, but I guess I will just never understand, cause its not my plan.

So I started my new job. I love it so much. In fact tomorrow is my first day on my own with no one holding my hand. I am so excited to try it on my own. I have found it is one of those jobs that you just have to laugh off or you wont make it, because there are definitely days where you go home and just want to cry for the people, but there is no need to if you know that you are doing everything that you can to help them.

I must admit, all this change is exciting. I do miss school however. I miss living with my friends, and when I am bored being able to call a friend and being able to meet up 24/7.  But I am getting used to it. I do start school again on the 10th for my masters. It will either be great or awful because it is online. It's definitely going to be a different way of learning that I will need to get used to.

So here's a toast....to becoming an adult. To learning how to do things on your own as a big girl.

NEWS FLASH!!!!!!

I am done being nice to people who don't understand they are not perfect, nor is anyone else. I am done being nice to people have nothing nice to say to me.

Ever feel?

Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, you did it wrong? Like you don't ever get a break? Like you want to give up and tell everyone that you are a failure? Like you will never be a success? Like your other half isn't out there and people are lying every time they tell you he is? Like you are going to cry every day for the rest of your life? Like it wouldn't matter if you magically disappeared off the earth tomorrow? Like you are the only one fighting for you to succeed?


yupp....me too

Thinking in all of the business

So things have been really busy lately. My neighbor is still in the hospital, I am still working at Sammy's and I am also learning my new job which I am really starting to enjoy. It definitely keeps me on my toes.

So through all of this running and the extreme lack of sleep I have managed to do a lot of thinking. (just haven't had time to blog it) I have realized that the only people I need are the people who have never left my side. Unfortunately these are the people I have been taking for granite. They are often the ones I treat like crap. There is especially one person that comes to mind that has always been there for me even though I always shoot them down, and I feel crappy about it. This person is always there, and watches me make mistakes and still supports me even if they don't agree, and I am trying to make up for the way I have treated them. :-)

I have finally realized that I can make it on my own. I don't need a guy to take care of me as much as I would like one too. I am able to work, and take care of myself.

I have also learned that I don't need someone to tell me that I am pretty. If I don't feel it then I'm not. I know I am a good person inside, and that is all that matters. I am getting my confidence back finally.

Lastly, I have realized that I am smarter than I give myself credit for. I have learned so much lately, and I am able to figure things out on my own without someone telling me how to do it, and looking over my shoulder and walking me step by step through everything.

But any who, the adrenaline from work is wearing off, so I think I am going to go to bed now.

Taking Chances

Don't know much about your life.
Don't know much about your world, but
Don't want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.

You don't know about my past, and
I don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it's not meant to last,

But what do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

And I had my heart beaten down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There's nothing like love to pull you up,
When you're laying down on the floor there.

So talk to me, talk to me,
Like lovers do.
Yeah walk with me, walk with me,
Like lovers do,
Like lovers do.

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

Don't know much about your life
Don't know much about your world


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


So I was singing this song at the top of my lungs as I was driving through the snow before. I started to realize what a funk I have been in lately. I know that I have had a lot of change in my life in the last few months, but I know God has a plan for my life. 


The snow tonight was so beautiful. Then I got to trying to figure out how every  snow flake is different. I think sometimes god sends me little messages. For once, I am going to do something to make me feel pretty. I am determined. I am determined this time not to turn down the good guys and hurt them, when they are exactly what every girl wants.


So then this song hit me. Do we deserve a second chance? Not usually, but somehow we get them.  I'm the girl who probably deserves them least. I tend to tell people how I feel, which normally isn't a good idea. Some times I push people away to avoid getting hurt....


So for the girl who always plays it safe I guess it is time for me to take chances. What better time than with a bunch of new starts happening. 


So here's a toast. To all the times I have played it safe...to all the new things in my life. 

I'm a slacker...not

So I didn't get to write yesterday. So far I really enjoy my new job, even though all I've been dong is sitting in a room listening to people talk. But I did get chocolate and a new umbrella. :-) So I went to hang out with a friend after work. So the first step to that was to get in my car...dead battery. So after calling roadside, having him come down to make sure I don't get killed, jumping my car, getting to advanced auto, and dealing with a very grumpy daddy we got to go out. Applebee's yumm.... We get there and get the newest waiter in the world that screwed up our order. I get a call and my neighbor is back in the hospital. So I'm told not to come down cause he's in the e.r. and I'll be in the way. So we go to the bar and have some fun and I go home...so far 2011 sucks as bad as 2010.

Today wasn't very eventful. Nothing like sitting in a room bored out of my mind. Then I went to the hospital and tried really hard the whole time not to tell every one how I feel.

So a toast to 2011: Hey 2011 thanks for being a bitch so far!

so i'm tired

I tried to go to bed early last night. I fell asleep for an hour then about 4 people texted me at one time waking me up...I was awake from 10:30-1:30. Not happy. So today I really have nothing to talk about. We finally took down the Christmas decorations today. I did it with a smile... And I finally got to get the recliner out of my room. I will never take for granite again the ability to open both closet doors instead of opening up one and crawling in to find clothes to wear that day.

I start my job tomorrow. Well I start training any how. Should be a super good time.

Okay it took a lot of effort to post this much.

Here's a toast to a huge comfortable bed I don't have to worry about hogging as I stretch out!

Welcome to 2011

So it's 2011...I felt better yesterday. haha. I really didn't do much today. I cleaned up a little. I'm laying here listening to Alanis Morissette and thinking. I got a big thing off my chest today that has bothering me, and I'm not sure how to feel about it. It's so funny but the hardest part of being single for me is that I have no one to cuddle up with, but it's life, and I'm living it. 


I feel like I need to write a poem like I used to all the time, but I don't know which thought in my head to start with first, so i'm thinking maybe I should create a drawing, but it would probably be complete scribble. Maybe in a few I will. Right now I am trying to figure out where I am in this world and what I am going to do with all of the gifts I've been given. Maybe once work starts and stuff settles I'll volunteer somewhere, but as for now I just don't think its feasible.


So I'm thinking, do I go to the bar with a friend and his friends and meet new people, or do I stay here and just continue to think about stuff? haha. Do I continue to let my mind run in circles until I fall asleep? 


Remember those days when we only had to worry about what kind of sandwich was in your lunch? Or what teacher you had for homeroom? The days when you couldn't wait to be an adult. What were we thinking? Being an adult isn't all its cracked up to be. Yea, you can sign papers for yourself, thats about it. There is still always going to be someone telling you what to do, where to go, and when to do it. There is just more responsibility. 


So here's the toast today: Here's to you life. I am thankful to have you, but you are the hardest thing in this world some days.